Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. Screwed-up people start wars that could kill millions. Normal people settle fights through cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people are fat.

Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.

Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.

Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

The normal make a living. The deranged make history.

I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.

Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.

I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.

Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting.

The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?

Writing comes more easily if you have something to say.

Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench when there is plenty of room at both ends. Love means nothing in tennis, But it's everything in life

I wrote newspaper articles professionally for seven years, and I love newspapers.

The scenery in the play was beautiful, but the actors got in front of it.

A good man may make the best even of poverty and disease, and the other ills of life; but he can only attain happiness under the opposite conditions

I genuinely hit puberty before everyone.

I choose Hosea. Oh, there's no book of the Bible which more beautifully and more painfully demonstrates how very much God loves us.

In the unrest of the masses I augur great good. It is by their realizing that their condition of life is not what it ought to be that vast improvements may be accomplished.

The highest fulfillment of religion requires a giving up of all possessions.

I believe in nature instead of God.