See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol

Say what you want about the deaf.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

What's the rule for fighting? Hit the soft parts with your hand and the hard parts with a utensil?

You start out wanting to change the world through language, and end up thinking it's enough to tell a few good jokes.

That voice that cries out doesn't have to be a weakling's does it?

More than enough is too much.

My art teacher told me I'd be suited to graphic design, but I just couldn't, because it was what my dad had done.

Writing comedy is the greatest spiritual gift you can give to anybody anytime.

I couldn't be more proud of my work as a progressive.

Even those who make mistakes, we must try to help them. But we can only help them if they are ready to be helped.

When you're younger, you're more selfish, because there's so much self-exploration, you're in your own mind.

I play the piano passionately and inaccurately. Indeed, I worked out the other day that of my seventy-five years; I have spent at least one year sitting on a piano stool.