Self-Checkout Line – The place where customers of an establishment become unpaid employees of the establishment.

I'm a woofer, not a tweeter; a writer, not a telegrapher; an essayist, not an aphorist.

Anytime I see someone blocking the aisle in the supermarket while talking on a phone, I want to ram that person with my shopping cart.

Mudslinging - In politics, anything bad the opponent says about our candidate; in contrast, when our candidate does this, it is called 'making a good point.

Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.

Grammar Checker – A software program that is not needed by those who know grammar and virtually useless for those who don’t.

The woman at the next table is making eyes at you, ” Lanie said, whispering conspiratorially.“Really? What does she make them out of? Cloth?

I pay ZERO attention to what you say. But your actions have my undivided attention.

Pagans exalt sacred things, the Prophets extol sacred deeds.

Opinions which justify cruelty are inspired by cruel impulses.

One way of reading my life is that I have been in constant search for a father.

I always wore the highest heels possible, because the other women on the show were tall.

When I die, I hope they don't cremate me 'cuz I'll burn forever.

Surgery is always second best. If you can so something else, it’s better. Surgery is limited. It is operating on someone who has no place else to go.

Friends are like windows through which you see out into the world and back into yourself. If you don't have friends you see much less than you otherwise might.

Any fool can make soap. It takes a clever man to sell it.