Self-pity shortens your life.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

The customs and fashions of men change like leaves on the bough, some of which go and others come.

The ultimate sophistication of subversion is to take over the government, not by unlawful but by lawful means.

I understand polyamory is different from polygamy, and doesn't share the latter's rigid and noxious views that men run the show and are the only ones allowed multiple partners.

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

Our thoughts are unseen hands shaping the people we meet. Whatever we truly think them to be, that's what they'll become for us.

A lot of the music I listen to is indie rock. It's not on the radio.

What you want, my lad, and what you're going to get are two very different things.

If books were Persian carpets, one would not look only at the outer side. because it is the stitch that makes a carpet wear, gives it its life and bloom.

Money always has come to me, because I always have seen myself as endlessly abundant.