Seventy-two virgins - does that make sense to anyone? And it's an ancient religion, maybe it was misinterpreted? Maybe it's not 72 virgins, maybe it's a 7-foot-2 Persian.

People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk to pull out.

It's all about self-esteem now. Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who's gonna dance in our strip-clubs?

Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?

You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can't have a favorite. Can't let them know know if you do. I don't. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.

In catholisism we have an entire religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story

If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.

People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.

I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.

We're a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.

Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever. Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.

If you see a leader solving one conflict wisely, remember he is working hard to prevent 10 of such from happening!

Just because he might not know the difference between a spanner and a hammer, didn’t mean a good dose of Heroic kicking wouldn’t solve the same problem.

No one would talk much in society if they knew how often they misunderstood others.

I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.

Lucidity's task: to attain a correct despair, an Olympian ferocity.

If you're asking me as the President, would I understand reality, I do.

Ideas are transplanted by splitting, thoughts by sprouting.

I had great faith that perhaps this man Obama would do something, but he is, we're all in the grip of big money.

My most treasured clothing item is first suit that I made - acid green. It was disgusting, but I love it. It's been mended a million times, but I still wear it.

It is one of those things that is universally connectable, people can connect to it from everywhere; music is like that universal language.