Seventy years of ad-lib material, and I am speechless.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

Never, in peace or war, commit your virtue or your happiness to the future.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.

You are always born under the wrong sign, and to live in this world properly you have to rewrite your own horoscope day by day.

Don't get disillusioned, no don't expect too much Cause if what you have is all you can get Just keep on trying It just ain't happened yet.

A good prayer is master of anothers purse.

God loves and delights to cross worldly proverbs and worldly craft.

If you cause your ship to stop and place the head of a long tube in the water and place the outer extremity to your ear, you will hear ships at a great distance from you.

Souls and bodies should go on together.

Knowledge for its own sake was meaningless, its mere accumulation a waste of time. Knowledge must lead to understanding.

A pox on both his testicles! (Esperetta)