Shamelessness is a wonderful part of the character.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

He downed the last of his coffee, carried his mug over to the pot, poured himself a refill, and returned to the

I go about looking at horses and cattle. They eat grass make love work when they have to bear their young. I am sick with envy of them.

Imagination is not the exclusive appanage of artists, but belongs in varying degrees to all men.

Self-knowledge leads to wonder, and wonder to curiosity and investigation, so that nothing interests people more than people, even if only one's own person.

After people have gone, you forget their faults, and you recall the ideal more than the person.

Readiness for death is that of character, rather than of occupation. It is right living which prepares for safe or even joyous dying. - Jacques

Early investment in the lives of disadvantaged children will help reduce inequality, in both the short and the long run.

Hockey is a tough, physical game, and it always should be.

Rock and menopause do not mix.

Love is nothing but the fear of mortal man at the thought of solitude.