She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

The pursuit of truth will set you free even if you never catch up with it.

You all know I love L.A., but tonight I really love L.A.

Capital, like capitalism, seems an overrated category.

In Adam's fall We sinned all. In the new Adam's rise, We shall all reach the skies.

What are emotions exactly?' Lutta asked. 'Silly feelings that get in the way of actions.

I have survived by representing these sufferings of mine in the form of the novel.

In fact the total amount that a physicist knows is very little. He has only to remember the rules to get him from one place to another and he is all right.

Nightingales are put in cages because their songs give pleasure. Whoever heard of keeping a crow?

At least at first, the new thing is rarely as good as the old thing was. If you need the alternative to be better than the status quo from the very start, you'll never begin.

Somebody asked Somerset Maugham about his place in the pantheon of writers, and he said, "I'm in the very front row of the second rate." I'm sort of haunted by that.