She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Don't turn over the rocks if you don't want to see the pale creatures who live under them.

Find an opportunity to serve and success will be yours.

No level of obstacle can prevail in crippling a mind that's continuously fed with positive self-talk.

As soon as he had departed she directed her attention to the others.“I need a shielded containment box, radiation gloves and a micro welding torch. And a crescent wrench.

There is danger in reckless change but greater danger in blind conservatism.

Those who offend us are generally punished for the offence they give; but we so frequently miss the satisfaction of knowing that we are avenged !.

Both art and faith are dependent on imagination; both are ventures into the unknown.

I feel so strongly that deep and simple is far more essential than shallow and complex.

Shoot you on the front porch and knock you to the back yard.

I've developed a karaoke habit. I've become a crooner.