She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Forgiveness is a personal process that doesn’t depend on us having direct contact with the people who have hurt us.

I'm a man of simple tastes. I'm always satisfied with the best.

The immature mind hops from one thing to another the mature mind seeks to follow through.

I'm a person with virtually no feelings.

I try to keep my private life private.

A knowledge of and the ability to properly and quickly execute the fundamentals. Be prepared and cover every little detail.

I am shocked that we seemed to have learned nothing, absolutely nothing, from Vietnam.

Marilyn was terrible to work with. I was fond of her, she was a nice girl, but she was a damaged girl. She was very difficult. You couldn't get her on the set; she didn't know the words.

The hour I have long wished for is now come.

People say that crisis changes people and turns ordinary people into wiser or more responsible ones.