She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Any idiot can put up a website.

I just let the pain take over, allowing it to numb the pain of being left behind.

Comparison is a thug that robs your joy. But its even more than that - Comparison makes you a thug who beats down somebody - or your soul.

It is exciting to kind of figure things out in yourself and then use other people to help you figure things out so you can really reach your potential.

Art is always the replacement of indifference by attention.

The chaste woman who teases is worse than a streetwalker.

How we start our day is often how we live our lives

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

I'm over the hill, maybe even the whole mountain range, but I don't see it that way even one little bit.