She's a sort of human vampire-bat

Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

There is no surer foundation for a beautiful friendship than a mutual taste in literature.

It is never difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine.

I always advise people never to give advice.

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror.

It was my Uncle George who discovered that alcohol was a food well in advance of modern medical thought.

As we grow older and realize more clearly the limitations of human happiness, we come to see that the only real and abiding pleasure in life is to give pleasure to other people.

The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.

We should never discourage young people from dreaming dreams.

When a woman writes you a poem, she spends time with the gods on your behalf.

Libertarian: everyone leaves everyone else alone

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I struggle with staying clean every day, and what really keeps me from doing something stupid is my daughter.

Care about people's approval and you will be their prisoner.

There's a reason why people question the trustworthiness of Hillary Clinton. And that's because they're paying attention.

Aspire to be, and all that we are not God will give us credit for trying.

Every part of the journey is of importance to the whole.

If you spend your time, worth $20-25 per hour, doing something that someone else will do for $10 per hour, it's simply a poor use of resources.