She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

...whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. And peace will be with you.

Everything seemed so unreal—so supernatural—and I had to remind myself that is was. We weren’t human. We never were. (Jessica)

It is unrealistic to want to be happy all the time.

Young women grow up in a really negative world today online and in person.

Sweet things happen. They still do.

Animal liberationists do not separate out the human animal, so there is no rational basis for saying that a human being has special rights. A rat is a pig is a dog is a boy. They're all mammals.

I know what it's like to be pregnant and nervous and poor.

You took a pretty picture and you smashed it into bits, sank me into blackness and you sealed it with a kiss.

I want to do movies but not talk about them.

Cindy Sheehan is one tough mother. And nothing you say or anyone else is gonna slow her down.