She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

O God make us your people. Be our God!

Pray don't talk to me about the weather, Mr. Worthing. Whenever people talk to me about the weather, I always feel quite certain that they mean something else. And that makes me quite nervous.

The greatest gift to man is woman, But the greatest gift to woman is herself.

Key to more success is a clean heart and a clean face.

It must be less wicked to love the wrong person than not to love anybody at all.

Poetry is a language pared down to its essentials.

And the truth is I've always taken very good care of my skin, and always, always worn make-up.

If Facebook were a country, it would be the 8th most populated in the world, just ahead of Japan.

I've got a few guitars that I like. The trouble with fame and riches is that you have more than one guitar.

I've never said, 'I'm squeaky clean.' It's always the people who project that image that are hiding something. No one's squeaky clean.