She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

We cannot hope to create a sustainable culture with any but sustainable souls.

It was stupidity that forced us to discard anything that did not conform with ourself - reflective expectations.

When someone is fearless, when pain isn't a factor, it's impossible to break his spirit.

you can die of the wrong thought as quick as of a bullet.

Mark what and how great blessings flow from a frugal diet; in the first place, thou enjoyest good health.

At certain periods of history it is only poetry that is capable of dealing with reality by condensing it into something graspable, something that otherwise wouldn't be retained by the mind.

You'd think a sociopath assassin wouldn't have a fan following but he does

You make me laugh like a loon on loon tablets!

Daily life is governed by an economic system in which the production and consumption of insults tends to balance out.

The carnage upon the chessboard of life, left wounded humans in its wake