She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

That thing you had to force yourself to do-the actual act of writing-turns out to be the best part.

Golf's really fun in Japan because of the women caddies. ... I saw one guy start out playing alone with his caddie. By the 9th hole they were engaged and when they finished on 18 they had a foursome.

Surveillance is the business model of the Internet.

Joy is not a thing, it is in us.

One must overcome history by dogma.

By the time a partnership dissolves, it has dissolved.

If from society we learn to live, solitude should teach us how to die.

We can do anything, or almost, but how balanced, magnanimous, and modest one has to be to do anything! And also how patient. It is as true in the arts as anywhere else.

I'm a little funny when it comes to blood and guts and stuff like that.

My whole goal is just to keep myself motivated. If I'm motivated, if I'm on fire, it's going to catch with somebody else.