She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Big sisters are the crabgrass in the lawn of life.

Sometimes my brain writes a check that reality can't cash.

When one has a famishing thirst for happiness, one is apt to gulp down diversions wherever they are offered.

Topcats often begin as underdogs.

The base of artistic pursuit is ambivalence and complexity. And that's what I try to do.

A strong women is someone who is able to smile this morning like she wasn't crying last night.

When I write a play, my whole intent at bottom is to get the audience to be in the cast, to get that audience on stage with the actors and to get them thoroughly involved in what's going on.

God was left out of the Constitution but was furnished a front seat on the coins of the country.

The greatest challenge of Leadership maintaining personal conviction in a globalized world.

It's one of the reasons I became a writer, to be able to smoke in peace.