Shirley! Don't call me Shirley!

Doing nothing is very hard to do... you never know when you're finished.

Like a midget at a urinal I was going to have to stay on my toes.

Doing nothing is very tough to do because you never know when you're finished. The upside is that from the moment you wake up in the morning, you're on the job.

I really have to keep an eye on myself, because sometimes I think I might say something important.

One thing a person won't do when he's laughing is try to beat you up.

There's an old saying that God exists in your search for him. I just want you to understand that I ain't looking.

It doesn't really matter where I go (Heaven or Hell). I'll have plenty of friends in both places.

Are you having problems hearing? If so, those around you already know it. Hearing loss is no laughing matter, so don't be a punchline.

Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts.

Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through.

The other night while lying on a couch I reviewed the high point of my life and fell asleep!

The Postal Service's unmatched ability to reach every household and business in America six days a week is a vital part of the nation's infrastructure.

Steroids can seem necessary to compete at the highest levels, and the quick rewards can outweigh the long term consequences to the user's health.

Upper classes are a nation's past the middle class is its future.

If you're over 52 years old and you're on Facebook, do us all a favor and log off now.

Don’t look for new landscapes, use new eyes to see what is already there.

He that in ye mine of knowledge deepest diggeth, hath, like every other miner, ye least breathing time, and must sometimes at least come to terr. alt. for air.

High school studfents are the largest oppressed minority in America.

It will take you less time and effort to do a thing the difficult way than it will to buy, try and discard all the shortcuts.

I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just; that his justice cannot sleep forever.