Show business can be an addiction. ... An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Hope can keep you alive in the midst of the turbulence.

Why should you follow the crowd when God gave you a precious life with the right to live it in any positive way that pleases you the most?

A poem should be wordless As the flight of birds.

I called the album 'The Chemo' because it seems like the industry and music overall is dying slowly.

Unlike Hillary Clinton, who voted for the war without knowing what she was doing, I would not have had our people in Iraq. Iraq was disaster.

Judd Apatow, Conan O'Brien ... taking what you think is funny, and then adding another layer to it. That's kind of my sensibility. Those are the guys that make me laugh.

Praise is the highest occupation of any being

All I know is reception; I am and I have: but I do not get, and when I fancied I had gotten anything, I found I did not.

Classless society is the dream of people with no class.

I believe that eclecticism is a virtue. It may not be a word, but its definitely a virtue.