Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.

If all work and no play makes you dull, Then you're on the wrong job.

You have to trust or you're only living half a life.

Let us be done with the notion that religion is confined to petty pieties and small constraints. All too often people who have possessed these pieties have wrought great evil.

Everyone is made differently and that's what makes us beautiful and unique. I want girls to look in the mirror and feel confident.

I am not for any form of repression, but I sometimes think the desire for liberation masks the desire for oblivion. It's very hard to tell the difference sometimes.

Nature is unfair? So much the better, inequality is the only bearable thing, the monotony of equality can only lead us to boredom.

Once upon a time when there was no time.

Whatever you're going through in your life, don't ever give up.

De Niro is a classic example of somebody who is iconic and who sort of effortlessly puts actors at ease the moment you meet him. I think it's also just something that he innately does with people.