'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him.

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.

I have an abacus at home.

A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote.

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet.

If I lift any weights, I do it more for explosion, but I really use my body weight to build up muscle and strength.

I am sure that there are some single payer advocates who think the only thing worth fighting for is single payer.

We can destroy only as creators

The reality is I'm kind of like an ocean. Everything is calm, calm, calm. I'm good. When the ball goes up in the air, the waves start rocking.

One of the most fun inventions of my lifetime is the Mini.

Find earth where grows no weed, and you may find a heart wherein no error grows.

I secretly understood: the primitive appeal of the hearth. Television is - its irresistible charm - a fire.

The right to have children should be a marketable commodity, bought and traded by individuals but absolutely limited by the state.

Combinations of wickedness would overwhelm the world, by the advantage which licentious principles afford, did not those who have long practised perfidy grow faithless to each other.

Writing was in its origin, the voice of an absent person.