Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Shane looked…pale. Pale and shaken and—how predictable was this?—pissed.

I will exercise patience and will provide all facts to the general public.

Among human beings, the subjection of women is much more complete at a certain level of civilization than it is among savages. And the subjection is always reinforced by morality.

Surrender is the path to freedom through our unique authenticity, where we experience the flow of life not through the narrow lens of the mind, but through the vast refuge of the heart.

I live to hail that season by gifted one foretold, when men shall live by reason, and not alone by gold.

I was lucky to have my wife as the art director, and it turned out to be quite something - a great success. I'm very proud of it.

There is a direct correlation between education, stable families and incarceration and crime.

Obey something, and you will have a chance to learn what is best to obey. But if you begin by obeying nothing, you will end by obeying the devil and all his invited friends.

Somehow, throughout much of life, being old seems to be something that happens to other people.

A hamburger is an icon of layered circles, the circle being at once the most spiritual and the most sensual of shapes.