Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Gentle walking is completely transformative for the body and mind.

Friends and good manners will carry you where money won't go.

Dying peacefully means to avoid any immediate cause for anger, fear, or strong desire.

If you give a hacker a new toy, the first thing he'll do is take it apart to figure out how it works.

...you could be the best team or the best player in different generations and people respect each other. Nobody cares who was the best.

And what word is knowledge but a shadow of wordless knowledge?

There is always room for those who can be relied upon to delivery the goods when they say they will.

Is it not odd that the only generous person I ever knew, who had money to be generous with, should be a stockbroker.

But it is my happiness to be half Welsh, and that the better half.

I don't write songs, songs write me.