So, Arsenal have signed Arsene Wenger because his name sounds a bit like the club. How long before Man Utd sign Stefan Kuntz?

A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that's surprised by it's own farts

Cider was my drink because I liked the taste and it made me stupid.

You can spend your whole life trying to be popular, but at the end of the day, the size of the crowd at your funeral will be largely dictated by the weather.

I honestly thought my marriage would work because me and the wife did share a sense of humour. We had to really, because she didn't have one.

How do I relax? This might sound slightly ridiculous but I play the ukulele for at least an hour a day and I find something really blissful about it.

We're always hearing about risk-takers whose risks paid off, but they are no braver than those whose risks end in ridicule.

Professional footballers - those virile young stags of our modern culture - are near perpetual fountains of sputum.

I'm world-famous in West Bromwich.

All great roads are paved with uncomfortable memories.

If you want to commit suicide why tell anyone? They'd ruin everything.

Virtue is persecuted more by the wicked than it is loved by the good.

Whenever a person dwells chiefly, or even frequently, on the faults of other people's religions, he is in a bad condition.

Writing doesn't come easily to me. It gets more and more difficult.

Women's beauty, like men's wit, is generally fatal to the owners.

It's difficult sometimes when you have somebody who is of a different culture trying to make light of something that is maybe not quite something that they understand.

All achievement, no matter what may be its nature, or its purpose, must begin with an intense, burning desire for something definite.

Every failure made me more confident. Because I wanted even more to achieve as revenge, to show that I could.

People seem to trust you more when you're pregnant. I think they see you as some kind of Mother Earth figure.