So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

If they're friends, then they've got your back . . . whether you're there or not. Friends won't "forget" about you.

Once you discover that failure is survivable, your fear of it subsides. Failure is not opposite to success, just part of its process.

her stories make you believe in the power of love

There are some who write, talk, and think, so much about vice and virtue, that they have no time to practice either the one or the other.

The saying of Vatican II is above all, 'Conscience is supreme.'

Small is not beautiful unless small is skilled and dedicated.

Afghan women, as a group, I think their suffering has been equaled by very few other groups in recent world history.

Too much youth, hunger, mission, and talent.

I would be the last person who would say immigrants are not important to America.

I have had hundreds and hundreds of stroke cases. My methods cured them--when they were so stiff they were almost dead.