So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

Velcro: what a rip-off.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

The ultimate purpose of education is to improve the power of your imagination and to change your vision.

I can’t sleep alone anymoreand I get used tocompanytoo quickly. You’re always gone too soon.

To pin your hopes upon the future is to consign those hopes to a hypothesis, which is to say, a nothingness. Here and now is what we must contend with.

And he wishes, in the cold quiet of his archer's heart, that he himself could feel the intensity of their reconciliations as strongly as he feels that of their battles.

To forget the dead would be akin to killing them a second time.

I'm married, I have three children, I never hit my wife.

My first major role was in a play called Through the Leaves.

We don't need a strongman. But we need a strong country that is not subordinate to Europe. With its own currency, for example.

Hi there, I'm a human being! What are you?

The shortest way out of Manchester is notoriously a bottle of Gordon's gin.