So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

Velcro: what a rip-off.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.

The 'Instagram Generation' now experiences the present as an anticipated memory.

The church must integrate into the environment

I've always been more of the athlete in my family, but Bella [Hadid] is just good at - when she needs buckle down for like two weeks and be in [the gym] every day, she's really good at that.

I'm really good at standup. I always win at standup.

I may as well tell you, here and now, that if you are going about the place thinking things pretty, you will never make a modern poet. Be poignant, man, be poignant!

There's so much you can do with laying words on a bed of music. You can completely change their meaning with the type of music or the way they're sung.

Boasting is only a masked shame; it does not truly believe in itself.

Quality is like quantity, but there's a lot less of it.

Don't you ever feel that - that you just need to get away? From everything? That it's all too much?