So, a word to all you Femin-Idi-Amins: Stop “liberating” moms by trying tomake them join the workforce. They’re already doing the job that God putthem here to do: Everything.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

It's true not because it's beyond doubt, but because we believe it to be true. We make it true. We are safe as long as no one can disprove us

When we rely on our own strength, God’s opportunities become inaccessible to us.

OVERREACTING" sounds like "OVARYACTING" Coincidence? I think NOT!!

The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.

How might letters be most efficiently copied so that the blind might read them with their fingers?

If you feel that you can follow a few little rules or some clever gimmicks to make you a mature Christian, then you have fallen into a subtle trap of legalism.

The humility of wonder opens everything.

I've never joined any political party and have no plans to do so. I'm fully independent.

The more I push myself to take a risk, the less afraid I am to take a risk the next time. Each time I do, I expand my circle of comfort and my life becomes BIGGER.

When griping grief the heart doth wound, and doleful dumps the mind opresses, then music, with her silver sound, with speedy help doth lend redress.