So many of these comics are just frustrated singers or actors - they want to get a gig doing a sitcom. It's paint-by-the-numbers comedy, lame joke-telling. They're drawn to it as a career move.

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.

There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.

Obviously I'm not a role model for impressionable youth.

Every generation has someone who steps outside the norm and offers a voice for the unspeakable attitudes of that time. I represent everything that's supposed to be wrong, everything that's forbidden.

It occurred to me that there wouldn't be world hunger, if you people would MOVE WHERE THE FOOD IS!!!

Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change.

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like "aaaaa.... beeeee.... ceeee.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

A lie that could help someone focus on his life was better than a hundred simple truths.

There are only two problems in my life. The political ones are insoluble and the economic ones are incomprehensible.

If want to succeed, you must work to overcome the obstacles on your path.

Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.

The people who did you wrong or who didn't quite know how to show up, you forgive them. And forgiving them allows you to forgive yourself too.

Twitter's designed to reduce the language, directly out of 1984! It's Ingsoc!

You should sub a player out when you see a player not going full-speed or playing selfish basketball.

We are all born worthy. Worthy of love, worthy of success.

Spiders' webs only have to be large enough to catch flies.

What really matters are the lives you touch along the way and how you finish your journey.