So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

If we push hard now, this next wave can be the last wave. In the future, there will be no female leaders. There will just be leaders

But there was no going back to that idyllic time when only one god wanted to kill me.

Matter is, in its constituent elements, the same as spirit; existence is one, however manifold in its phenomena; life is one, however multiform in its evolution.

If I was a politician right now I would change just about everything.

Love makes you want to be a better man. But maybe love, real love, also gives you permission to just be the man you are.

Unfortunately, I think a lot of people are affected more by the idea of fame than the actual work ethic involved. A lot of them just want to be reality TV-type people who don't do anything.

For life makes no mistakes and always gives man that which man first gives himself.

I have a work-out regime; I am not a maniac. It sounds cliche, but stand-up comedy, doing a one-man show, helps keep me young, and yes, it is exhausting, but I don't collapse.

You get these insurgent movements of populism, left and right. An insurgent movement of populism took my political party over in the UK for example.

Creativity is an area in which younger people have a tremendous advantage, since they have an endearing habit of always questioning past wisdom and authority.