Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Change is possible only if the top management agrees.

A married philosopher belongs to comedy.

Whatever you do kid, always serve it with a little dressing.

I have been restless for as long as I can remember.

You might be a redneck if your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.

And Kansas City is at Chicago tonight, or is it Chicago at Kansas City? Well, no matter as Kansas City leads in the eighth 4 to 4.

Anything worth having has its price.

You must have been a beautiful baby, 'Cos baby just look at you now.

Only in Washington does a decrease in the proposed increase equal a spending cut.

A brand is the set of expectations, memories, stores and relationships that, taken together, account for a consumer's decision to choose one product or service over another.