Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

The source of infinite wisdom in this infinite universe is that you are blessed with infinite love.

We're all in this together and we don't have much time.

Conditioning obstructs our view of reality. We do not see IT in its suchness because of our indoctrination, crooked and twisted.

My books and other works are my legacy, and it's a great comfort to know that mine is a legacy of pleasure for other people.

So, to prevent fatigue and worry, the first rule is: Rest often. Rest before you get tired.

Chemotherapy is such a hard, hard kiss. Anything we can do to alleviate its side effects should be intelligently explored with an open mind.

Poverty is relative, and, therefor not ignoble.

Whence we see spiders, flies, or ants entombed and preserved forever in amber, a more than royal tomb.

If you start out to solely make money, you will attract the wrong kind of employees.

When I was young I pitied the old. Now old, it is the young I pity.