Some good news. Finally, President Bush is going to do something about global warming. He became alarmed when another chunk of ice fell off his mother.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Fairy tales since the beginning of recorded time, and perhaps earlier, have been “a means to conquer the terrors of mankind through metaphor.

Be pleasant, patient, and professional, please.

Sometimes in life you have to make difficult choices. The best time to make those choices is before you're confronted with them.

I had choosen the path of the black sheep rather than that of the unicorns and puppies.

So, influenced by these advisors and this hope, I have at length allowed my friends to publish the work, as they had long besought me to do.

To be successful you have to be lucky, or a little mad, or very talented, or find yourself in a rapid growth field.

I'm actually 100% independent. I'm not a Universal artist. I'm signed to myself.

When a person’s tongue is extensively wrong, it is absurd, no less than unscriptural, to say that their heart is right.

At the end of a movie, all my outfits are missing. They even call: 'Tara, those were $700 shoes.' What are they going to do, search my house?

Pizza was made for television in so many ways: it is easy to heat up, easy to divide and easy to eat in a group. It is easy to enjoy, easy to digest and easy-going. It is so Italian!