Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

I do have insecurities. I don't know if you can tell. I'm not brimming with confidence.

You never know what life can hand you, but YOU have the choice and power to give back love and kindness in all you do and how you treat others.

Never trust a theologian who doesn't have a sense of humor.

There is in every country an antipathy to the foreigner.

We're going to do everything we can to make sure workers are treated like assets, not costs.

This great misfortune, to be incapable of solitude.

There is nothing so small but that we may honor God by asking His guidance of it, or insult Him by taking it into our own hands.

I love a smart girl and a girl who loves her family!

Official history is believing the murderers at their word.

I whispered, 'I am too young,' and then, 'I am old enough'; wherefore I threw a penny to find out if I might love.

We have been learning since we were children how to make money, buy things, build things. The whole education system is set up to teach us how to think, not to feel.