Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Your posture can have a great deal of influence on your personal presentation and image, revealing your attitude toward yourself and others.

She told Papa about it. He made her stick out her tongue and he felt her wrist. He shook his head sadly and said, "You have a bad case, a very bad case." "Of what?" "Growing up.

As for whom I would like to fight, I always want to fight a guy coming off a win, because the guys coming off a loss are always very tough. They're fighting for their lives.

The best teacher in the world is someone who loves what he or she does, and just loves it in front of you.

Other men may preach the gospel better than I, but no man can preach a better gospel.

I have before seen other countries, in the same manner, give themselves to you when you are about to leave them.

Growing up I had lots of role models. Looking back, my parents were my first role models.

The hysterical find too much significance in things. The depressed find too little.

We have endorsements of our plan from key leaders within the environmental movement. That doesn't mean that it includes the whole environmental movement.

I just think that things get easier as you get older and wiser and more experienced. You get more confident about who you are as you get older. I find that really comforting.