Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

If you refuse to accept nothing but the best you will often get it.

Miracles happen, lyrical inhalation of poetry, you will not stop my words from breathing.

Some knowledge and some song and some beauty must be kept for those days before the world again plunges into darkness.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

It is fun to think about your pet moonlighting as a water delivery man, or a bouncer at a bar. Thinking about your dog out in the world, instead of laying on your bed when you leave, is really fun.

A mistake is only an error, it becomes a mistake when you fail to correct it

The vengeful hag is played by Ingrid Bergman, which is like casting Eleanor Roosevelt as Lizzie Borden.

Today, I will let go. I will stop trying to control everything. I will stop trying to make myself be and do better, and I will let myself be.

We all have to die, and I preferred to have just one death. It seems to me that to suffer insult without response is to die many deaths.

Living with the immediacy of death helps you sort out your priorities in life. It helps you to live a less trivial life.