Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

Every sin is the result of a colaboration

Writing heals the quandaries of life.

Well, if you're not a man in glasses standing in front of me with a tape recorder going like this, I can't see anything. But if you are, then I see perfectly well.

The Apothecaries morter spoiles the Luters musick.

I started studying shyness in adults in 1972. Shyness operates at so many different levels. Out of that research came the Stanford shyness clinic in 1977.

All I want to do is hit someone in the mouth. It's a whole lot easier than working for a living. Don't make anything noble out of what I do

I think that Floyd Mayweather is the best boxer that's ever lived; like actual technical boxer.

He's (Jose Canseco) built like a Greek goddess.

I find Mormons adorable. I love Disneyland and old musicals, and, to me, Mormonism fits right in with all of that.