Some people come up to me and say "You know, in Italy, it's pronounced Ber-beel-lia" And I say "Well, here in America, you're annoying..."

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

I was born with a mission and definite purpose and I must achieve my goal and fulfill my destiny on the planet earth

Do not fear the dark for you are never truly alone. Embrace your' fear for it will bring you strength in your' greatest time of need.

We put things in order - God does the rest. Lay an iron bar east and west it is not magnetized. Lay it north and south and it is.

Plenty of people miss their share of happiness, not because they never found it, but because they didn't stop to enjoy it.

Among the many reasons assignable for the sad decay of true Christianity, perhaps the neglecting to assemble ourselves together, in religious societies, may not be one of the least.

Listen, darling, tomorrow I'll buy you a whole lot of detective stories, but don't worry your pretty little head over mysteries tonight.

The only difference between kids and jungle animals is pants. Kids wear them. Jungle animals don't.

When I was 3, my father stopped coming home.

Politics is not a tea party. When it is time to act, you have to move fast and decisively.

More people have been killed by totalitarian regimes, during times of peace, than in all the wars in the world combined.