Some people just don't want to put in the effort. I just show up and say some lines and I'm famous. Anyone living below the poverty line just needs to shape up or be shipped out, you know?

I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn't about white people.

I was kosher until I had my Bar Mitzvah, and I parlayed officially becoming a man into telling my father I wanted to eat cheeseburgers.

I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.

It's all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in.

In New York, we tip everyone. We tip doormen, we tip cab drivers, and we tip bartenders at the bar. You'll get quite an evil eye if you don't leave a tip at the bar.

I like hot dogs. I like eggplant. I like pizza and creamed corn and beer. But I don't like Arabs.

The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals.

I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog

It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.

Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that's where their right to choose stops, in my opinion.

Books are not made for furniture, but there is nothing else that so beautifully furnishes a house.

Conscience is the most sacred of all property in which our contemporary government of criminals aspires to plunder from our compatriots by the means of unconstitutional surveillance.

There is never jealousy where there is not strong regard.

Listen, if you're a defender, DO BETTER!

Vocabulary is a matter of word-building as well as word-using.

Happiness is man's greatest aim in life. Tranquility and rationality are the cornerstones of happiness.

I probably should get a bit more star-struck but I never do.

The youthful heart is ready to believe what it wishes will happen.

The way to establish a relationship with Spirit and access the power of this creating principle is to continuously contemplate yourself as being surrounded by the conditions you wish to produce.

Our life must have an aim, but we must also ensure that the direction we take is a good one.