Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

victimnoun ˈvik-təm 1. The moment you tell everyone you have a mental disorder, in order to excuse your behavior.

May God give you overflowing grace for every good work.

Worrying about parents is a waste of time. It’s your life. Let’s have a martini.

Great. This girl was going to seriously mess with my ability to stay on parole. ~Maggie Mae Castro

When I'm 60, maybe, I'll look at my pile of papers and wonder, What really happened that year?

I think a dream is just a suggestion to start something out, do something.

People are not your most important asset....the right people are.

I was always very, very insecure about my height. Even as a 15-year-old I was a foot and a half taller than everyone.

Science has never drummed up quite as effective a tranquilizing agent as a sunny spring day.

It is the diversity of views that stems from different experiences and different backgrounds that lead to healthy decision-making and not the unified experiences and unified views.