Some performers are brilliant comedians, some are genius musicians, and some just make you happy to be alive. THE BOBS are all of that - and then some.

If I had the flag that Betsy Ross worked so hard on, I wouldn't destroy it. I'd put it up on EBay because it's gotta be worth some serious coin. And that is the American way.

Children in a third world country. That's how we spread democracy.

We didn't choose the joke because it's filthy! We chose it because of the structure!

I actually go to church. I know it's hard for you to believe. It's only because you know that Jesus on the cross? I love his smooth hairless body.

I know jazz is completely un-American. But the reason why America doesn't like it is because it's not funny. We [americans] have made jazz funny.

There is no democrats or republicans, right or left, red state or blue state. We are all one. And we are all unified against Mexicans.

As a comedian, I'm like one of those on-the-scene reporters. I will actually go and try to find disasters so I can write jokes as the disasters unfold.

I actually had to leave the country for infractions to fall off my record.

How many impressionist painters painted the same damned thing? How many actors have played the same part in renditions of a play or dancers do the same dances.

You wanna eat? I can hand you a spoon.

I will not go back. No bad thing for me to die. I will make it happen so that it happens only once.

Jails and prisons are designed to break human beings, to convert the population into specimens in a zoo - obedient to our keepers, but dangerous to each other.

Dying to be Me: My Journey from Cancer, to Near Death, to True Healing.

The problem of individual differences and group differences would not be made to disappear by abolishing tests. One cannot treat a fever by throwing away the thermometer.

Curt Gowdy was a pioneer in our business and set the highest standards for everyone. His many contributions to ABC as host of 'American Sportsman' and other ABC Sports programs are indelible .

I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference.

Why is life so difficult for some people and not for others? Why do some people have to struggle so much?

Kissing a man with a beard is a lot like going to a picnic. You don't mind going through a little bush to get there!

It is attachment to desire, not desire itself, that is the underlying cause of practically all of our pain and suffering.