Some poeple just don't have what it takes to appreciate a cookie.

Good memories are like charms...Each is special. You collect them, one by one, until one day you look back and discover they make a long, colorful bracelet.

Your mind creates your reality. If you expect nothing, you open up the universe to give you options. If you expect the worst, you usually get it.

A friend of mine once defined love as finding someone you can talk to late into the night

Oh great. Yoda captured us.

Who, last time I'd checked, was still on our official archenemy list. (Yes, we have to keep a list. It's kind of sad.)

They call me, The Sharkalator

At that moment I had no mind to change, or not change, or throw against the nearest wall.

I don't get a chance to be funny with the thrillers. I like to be funny, and I think I am really funny. So with 'Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life', it was fun to let loose.

I had to give him props, but how annoying of him to be a hero when I was trying so hard to dislike him. It was downright selfish.

Gazzy: "Just Ten?" Angel: "No." Gazzy: "Five?" Angel: "No.

Johnny Appleseed was revered . . he was . . . an evangelist (of a doctrine veering perilously close to pantheism).

But I'm really enjoying my retirement. I get to sleep in every day. I do crossword puzzles and eat cake.

Revenge is a dish best eaten cold and there is no sweeter dish than outliving an enemy

I've always felt like I work in a small little area that doesn't represent anything like the rest of society.

Take ice. Ice is fascinating to me. Ice is the one thing in our world that went from an agricultural product to being manufactured.

I’m not brave any more darling. I’m all broken. They’ve broken me.

Cocaine was different. It kept saying, "You haven't had enough." I became an abuser almost instantly.

If you'd take your head home and boil it for a turnip it might be useful. I can't say. But it might.

We can't expect to effectively move forward with half the population carrying sandbags.

I would give no thought of what the world might say of me, if I could only transmit to posterity the reputation of an honest man.