Some say, 'Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.' I say, 'Those who ignore history are in for a big surprise.'

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

A weapon does not decide whether or not to kill. A weapon is a manifestation of a decision that has already been made.

We should have a glorious conflagration, if all who cannot put fire into their works would only consent to put their works into the fire.

We do all the things we can to essentially brainwash people into liking it before it actually comes out.

We are a species that has lost its way. Everything natural, every flower or tree, and every animal have important lessons to teach us if we would only stop, look, and listen.

I am moving towards being vegan. When I crack an egg now, I look and think could that have become a baby

Faced with intolerance and hatred, no debate is possible.

It's always been hard for me to tell the difference between denial and what used to be known as hope.

Coaching and teaching are two different things. The coaching never turned me on that much, but I always enjoyed the teaching, the practice sessions.

If the work of God could be comprehended by reason, it would no longer be wonderful, and faith would have no merit if reason provided proof.

Sometimes you need to press pause to let everything sink in.