Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Man who hates cats is insecure, but a man who likes them is one worth keeping. If he can appreciate a cat, he can appreciate a strong, independent woman.

To do two things at once is to do neither.

If I've learned anything through all of this, it's that each and every day is a canvas waiting to be painted - an opportunity for love, for fun, for living, for learning.

And out of all the movies, I don't know what it is, I'll always sit down and watch our 'Footloose'. I cry, I get excited, I cheer, my heart pounds. I really enjoy it.

In a study that I just did, I found that it was older children, not younger children, who felt that they didn't have enough time with their parents.

I have nothing to explain. As for being misunderstood, I have grown accustomed to that.

Some men were handsome. Some were powerful. Curran was...dangerous.

As much as I converse with sages and heroes, they have very little of my love and admiration. I long for rural and domestic scene, for the warbling of birds and the prattling of my children.

Love was really a high priority. You could drive up this road and there'd be open doors. You could actually walk in as a stranger and they'd invite you for a meal.

If you don't execute your ideas, they die.