Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

To embrace love, we risk heartbreak. To resist love, we risk emptiness.

Urban conservationists may feel entitled to be unconcerned about food production because they are not farmers. But they can't be let off so easily, for they are all farming by proxy.

I like my smock. You can tell the quality of the artist by the quality of his smock. Actually, I just like to say smock. Smock smock smock smock smock smock.

The sweetest two words are 'next time.' The sourest word is 'if.'

I can analyse the trajectory of my popularity and find out why the peak was a peak and the valley was a valley - grapple with it that way - but I prefer not to analyse it that much.

It would be cool to be invisible, but I'm afraid of what people would say about me if they didn't know I was there. Some things are better left unknown.

But listen up Alex Rider.

Your longevity and health are more determined by your ZIP code than they are by your genetic code.

There is only one thing I will not concede: that it might be meaningless to strive in a good cause.