Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Inhale when I inhale. Exhale when I exhale. Breathe with me, for two beating hearts breathing one breath together become one.

If you can’t celebrate your success, appreciate your failure. Since life is all about celebration and appreciation.

The Spirit is Love expressed towards man as redeeming love, and the Spirit is truth, and the Spirit is the Holy Spirit. Redemption is inconceivable without truth and holiness.

A sheriff arrested me. I could be mistaken, but I'm pretty sure my men-in-uniform fetish began that day. The sheriff was hot. And he handcuffed me. I've never been the same.

We need strength, we need energy, we need quickness and we need brain in this country to turn it around.

He said we're all going to die,' 'And what did you say?' 'I said that's why i'm here

When Paris sneezes, Europe catches a cold.

Life is a mixed blessing, which we vainly try to unmix.

I promised myself that no matter where I went, what I did, I'd never take anything for granted again.

For every pleasure, there must be a sacrifice.