Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

When leaders lead in ways that people’s brains can follow, good results follow as well.

Plucking a flower and giving it to someone is not an act of kindness

Some look at your strength and see an opportunity and some look at your weaknesses and see an opportunity .

Self-respect is the root of discipline: the sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself.

I found out water can be drunk straight.

There is so much pressure on me to surfboard now

Where instinct fails, intellect must venture.

Much success to you, even if you wish me the opposite.

When Bob came through Cincinnati, he wanted a girl singer to be on his show. There was a local contest, and my sister and I entered, but Bob said, Gee, I wouldn't break up the team.

I am not a morning person, but I always work out - always.