Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

Do not hold on to circumstances

What matters in relationship isn't how you see each other, but whether you see each other.

The relationship between East and West needs to be and can be fixed via pop culture.

The most meaningful way to succeed is to help others succeed.

I was surprised to find myself so much fuller of Faults than I had imagined, but I had the Satisfaction of seeing them diminish.

It's your body. Tell it what to do.

Commitment means losing yourself to gain something temporary. Nothing lasts. Not looks. Not love.

There's no use in asking what if. No one could ever give you the answers.

Faithful continued prayer is one key to answered prayer. As James expresses it, "You do not have, because you do not ask God" (James 4:2).

For movies to get greenlit solely based on the success of other movies that have a lot of women in them? It's so ridiculous to me.