Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

There's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.

The faith is not the problem, Bernadette. The problem is the faithful.

No one's fate is of any interest to you except your own.

If you're waiting for encouragement from others, you're doing it wrong. By the time people think an idea is good, it's probably too late.

Homogeneity is much to be admired - in milk, for instance - but not for parties.

There is something distinctive about living in New York; over eight million other people are doing it.

I feel like every job teaches us something...

Scary monsters are like Hula Hoops. They come in and out of fashion.

Many days I don't write any code at all, and some days I spend all day writing code.

My reason for coming out isn't to be some sort of hero.