Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

This is one of those times when explaining a feeling cannot measure up to actually having the feeling

Gold, or at least the prospect of it, saved him, then killed him.

I had rather have a fool to make me merry than experience to make me sad and to travel for it too!

Whatever brings you to your knees in weakness carries the greatest potential for your personal success and spiritual victory.

The determining bulk of Scotch people had heard of golf ever since they had heard of God and often considered the two as of equal importance.

Every effort to confine Americanism to a single pattern, to constrain it to a single formula, is disloyalty to everything that is valid in Americanism.

Markets have built in inefficiencies, serious inefficiencies which are well known.

Never gamble without knowing a back way out.

My beats and my production aren't dark or emo by any means; it's basically the lyrics I think, and the melody sometimes can be too.

My parents moved to Florida when I was 12, and my backyard was the Gulf of Mexico.